People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
You Might Also Like
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors