Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY