My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.