why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
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I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.