…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.