“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I have two kinds of followers
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Cndnsd Mlk
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.