WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
The French cow says MEUX…
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro