If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
You Might Also Like
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”