How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”