Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Somebody call the cops.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.