[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Very good news from my accountant
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.