welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency