Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
No Google it does not
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.