i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Duck typos.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.