I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs