Anyone want a chair?
You Might Also Like
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”