Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
The symmetry is uncanny.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.