Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
You Might Also Like
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
quarantine day 3
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”