Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
So the ex texted me
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.