ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them