I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Favourite diary entry ever
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.