My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare