these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
i dont have time for this
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair