VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Ironic
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears