I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My dog ate my work from home.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
12653.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.