The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
☠️☠️☠️
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Nice try, poison.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.