What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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guys I’m going home
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
and now we wait
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again