My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
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General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.