They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates