Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately