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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.