me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
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Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide