I hope this email finds you in a well
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Hero horse inspires millions