“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The future is now.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have