When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
You Might Also Like
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
This checks out
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.