Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
You Might Also Like
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
japanese corn
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna