colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁