Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
mom had nothing to worry about
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online