Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me if I was a dog
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”