Admin smashed it 😂
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you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!