Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
WTF IS THAT!
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Why soy sad?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
lmaaaaaooooooooo