my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
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MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG