Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
You Might Also Like
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
nyc:
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan