I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
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netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.