A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money