me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Great game to play with friends
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
That time Alicia messaged me
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.