*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
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DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Yes, but it was never about money
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes