I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
This meeting could have been a cake
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest