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SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair