Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.